By Martin Van Buren – News Correspondent
TAMPA, Florida –
The University of South Florida Student Government (SG) unveiled a controversial new plan for student contraceptives Tuesday.
For $15 Students may now purchase t-shirts with President Judy Genshaft’s face emblazoned on the front.
According to USF spokesperson Michael Hoad, the shirts will promote student health system-wide. “With the recent funding cuts to Planned Parenthood, we had to do something. Fifteen dollars is a small price to pay for an incredibly effective and non-invasive means of birth control,” said Hoad.
However, some students took this issue with the shirt’s efficacy. “You know, I could always just turn [the shirt] inside out,” said Derek Pindleberry, a senior majoring in mass communications.
A third of the proceeds from each shirt sale will go to the USF Foundation. The shirts may be ordered at http://sg.usf.edu/judyshirt.
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President Judy Genshaft approved a banner commemorating the 10th anniversary of the September 11th attacks with a vinyl banner. The banner depicts a bald eagle crying a single tear with the words “Never Forget” boldly emblazoned in Comic Sans. The commemoration ceremony was held at 9:11am outside the Johnnie Byrd Alzheimer’s Institute on 4001 E. Fletcher Ave.
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by Millard Fillmore
Breaking News Consultant
Hello USF Monocle readers — Millard here. As some of you may know today is the Christmas season. I am actually writing to you today to let you know what I want for Christmas. I know that last year I said I wanted a pony, but this year I found out ponies are stinky and they are actually for girls. So this year I want to let all of the readers know that I have been very good and that now I want a model airplane: a model of a Fokker Dr.I plane and it has to be colored red and if I get it I’ll pretend that I’m the Red Baron Manfred Albrecht Freiherr von Richthofen because he started military training at the age of 11 too. Then I’ll command the respect I deserve.
I know this all doesn’t have much to do with Julian Assange but I figured it might get some attention from the right people. When I wrote to Santa last year I didn’t get the pony I wanted, so I figured I’m not making the same mistake again. And I don’t really know why people care about Julian Assange so much but I think he sort of looks like Santa if Santa got skinny and shaved off his beard. Also I know he spends a lot of time in Northern Europe so maybe he’s met Santa too. They could be related.
But Santa isn’t the important thing here, and neither is Wikileaks. The important thing is that I get my Fokker Dreidecker airplane. My dad said that Joe Lieberman convinced Amazon.com to stop hosting the Wikileaks website because they’re bad. It is my cheerful holiday hope that both American conservatives and liberals alike start a consumer boycott against Amazon.com for, respectively, hosting and cutting off Wikileaks, so that Amazon has to lower their prices on a whole lot of stuff and they have to lower the price on their model planes too and then I’ll get a bunch for Christmas. Then me and all of my friends put on our MK VIII goggles, tie up our parachutes, and set our compasses for the North Pole. That way I can walk up to Santa’s door, slowly undo my M3 shoulder holster, and show Santa what for. I’m still a little upset about the pony.
Happy Christmas,
Millard Fillmore
by Millard Fillmore
Breaking News Consultant
Hello USF Monocle readers -- Millard here. As some of you may know today is the Christmas season. I am actually writing to you today to let you know what I want for Christmas. I know that last year I said I wanted a pony, but this year I found out ponies are stinky and they are actually for girls. So this year I want to let all of the readers know that I have been very good and that now I want a model airplane: a model of a Fokker Dr.I plane and it has to be colored red and if I get it I'll pretend that I'm the Red Baron Manfred Albrecht Freiherr von Richthofen because he started military training at the age of 11 too. Then I'll command the respect I deserve.
I know this all doesn't have much to do with Julian Assange but I figured it might get some attention from the right people. When I wrote to Santa last year I didn't get the pony I wanted, so I figured I'm not making the same mistake again. And I don't really know why people care about Julian Assange so much but I think he sort of looks like Santa if Santa got skinny and shaved off his beard. Also I know he spends a lot of time in Northern Europe so maybe he's met Santa too. They could be related.
But Santa isn't the important thing here, and neither is Wikileaks. The important thing is that I get my Fokker Dreidecker airplane. My dad said that Joe Lieberman convinced Amazon.com to stop hosting the Wikileaks website because they're bad. It is my cheerful holiday hope that both American conservatives and liberals alike start a consumer boycott against Amazon.com for, respectively, hosting and cutting off Wikileaks, so that Amazon has to lower their prices on a whole lot of stuff and they have to lower the price on their model planes too and then I'll get a bunch for Christmas. Then me and all of my friends put on our MK VIII goggles, tie up our parachutes, and set our compasses for the North Pole. That way I can walk up to Santa's door, slowly undo my M3 shoulder holster, and show Santa what for. I'm still a little upset about the pony.
Happy Christmas,
Millard Fillmore
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By Marshall P. Hutkey – News Correspondent
THACKERVILLE, Oklahoma –
A hot dog eating contest sponsored by Nathan’s Famous® was held Wednesday to benefit starving children in Africa.
The event was hosted by AC/DC frontman Bon Scott and featured noted eaters Seiesnsui Shimakage, Justice Antonin Scalia, Tameyoshi Shidehara, Don “Big Hickory” Williams and Rosie “Sea-Dragon” Sylvester. Thirty percent of the proceeds will go to the Save Darfur Coalition. The organization will use the funds to lobby Congress, with the hope that the people of Sudan will somehow benefit. For every dozen hot dogs eaten, one bag of rice will be sent to emissaries of the Sudanese junta to be distributed as they see fit.
Sudanese refugees were invited to witness the historic event.
Mariam Khona, an eleven year old girl from Nyala, asked “What is happening? I don’t understand, why are they allowed to eat so much? Are they gods?” After the contest was explained to her, she said, “I have never seen so much food in my life, such a feast could feed my village for a month. Why are the people allowing him to consume so much? Do they plan on killing him?”
Tameyoshi Shidehara took the 18 karat gold medal, consuming 34 hot dogs and buns. All told, the contestants consumed over 100 kilograms of hot dog meat (not including the buns) and 16 gallons of clean water, a scarce resource in Sudan.
By Marshall P. Hutkey, News Correspondent
EUGENE, Oregon – William Sanford “Bill” Nye, former star of the children’s show “Bill Nye the Science Guy” was arrested Monday morning on charges related to the manufacture of methamphetamine.
According to the police report, Nye was charged with possession of methamphetamine, discharging a firearm within city limits and uttering a forged instrument.
Nye has been quoted as saying, “People who want to make meth will find ways to do it that don’t require an Erlenmeyer flask. But raising a generation of people who are technically incompetent is a recipe for disaster.” His manufacturing facility was contained within an Airstream camper towed behind a blue Ford pickup truck. According to DEA agents, the lab was “able to produce approximately 13 pounds of methamphetamine per day.” Lane County Sheriff Dale W. Stewart said, “This was the second largest meth bust in public broadcasting history.”
The Monocle was unable to contact Bill Nye for comment before going to press. Nye’s attorneys refused to speak about the case, citing pending legal action.
The University of South Florida Student Government (SG) unveiled a controversial new plan for student contraceptives Tuesday.
